I'm having a dilemna. The thing is, never in my life have I said that I have believed in God. Never. I was the most atheistic child and teenager on the planet. I realised in the past few months, however, that I actually do believe in God. A few Saturdays ago, I even said it out loud, and it has been on my mind since then. I am not quite sure why I do now, when I didn't before. I think university had something to do with it: not because I was exposed to religion or any of that. Perhaps because I got to see at a different level how we have organised ourselves as humans, and have examined various cultural products. That still doesn't seem like a good reason, though.

My mind feels stronger, I feel like a more complete version of myself than I did before. I've spent the past 6 weeks, since I quit my job and have taken on the role of full time housekeeper/chef for my family (heh) thinking about this, about how I always believed strong belief in the existence of a God/higher power equated to being weak of mind or will: that it was like blaming your parents for your fuck ups and not taking responsibility for your life. I don't believe that anymore but I'm not sure how to explain why this has changed.

I always thought that if I attained some kind of spiritual definition in my life, I'd feel more at peace. The opposite is true though: I feel more angry than I did before. I believe that there is a God/higher power, but I do not have any faith in it. See, that doesn't make sense! Anyway, any feedback would be appreciated. Sorry this is so disjointed.

Furthermore, watched Dude, Where's My Car last night. I feel so dirty.