If you feel like shit your body is telling you that it wants something that is not getting.

The first thing that I do when my body starts to go spastic is to look at my diet and lifestyle. I like to ask myself these questions:

i. Have I been eating vegetables lately? If answer 'no', eat more vegetables, what the fuck do you want, colon cancer? If answer 'yes', proceed to next question.

ii. Have I been drinking more than usual lately? If answer 'yes', drink less, you fucking idiot, do you want your liver to disappear? If answer 'no', proceed to next question.

iii. Have I been trying to quit smoking? If answer 'yes', well done, but you are also a nerd - smoking is cool, everyone knows that! If answer 'no', say goodbye to lungs and proceed to next question.

iv. Am I pregnant?* Pee on a stick. If answer 'yes', shit pants, you've got bigger problems than a fucking headache you ass. If answer 'no', breathe sigh of relief and vow never to have sex again. Proceed to next question.

v. Have I been repeatedly banging my head against something hard? If 'yes' ... If 'no', then proceed.

If you have made it this far, and you are still having headaches, you probably have cancer, typhoid, 'the clap', crabs, and athlete's foot, and should go to the doctor very soon. :::crickets chirping::: Um, yes.

(*you only ask yourself this question if you are female, you waste of skin)

And now for some shameless self promotion:

Me, me me, ME me.